only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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