Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
