im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
