i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
