just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
