Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
