Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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