I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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