Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i need an iv and a liver transplant
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
