I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
