Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
