8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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