There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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