I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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