i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
