dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
