Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
