Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
