that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
