After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize