Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
