This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
