even my farts smell like vagina
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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