It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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