i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
