first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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