tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
