Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
