please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
