so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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