Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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