Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
