I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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