Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
i now understand why vodka
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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