I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
