I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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