So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
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