While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Randomize