It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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