My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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