Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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