Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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