My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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