If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
