I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
