Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She swung at the pinata with crutches
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
