Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
