Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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