so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I fill condoms, not promises.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
