my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
