Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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