woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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