Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
he thought i was a dude.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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