Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
