so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
