Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
