I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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