I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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