I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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