Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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