Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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