Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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