the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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