Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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