Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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