I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize