and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
